


The hourglass runs out of sand

by sharkinterviewee



Series: Starmora Week 2018 [8]
Category: Guardians of the Galaxy (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Comfort/Angst, Developing Relationship, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Feels, Guilt, Hurt Peter Quill, Hurt/Comfort, Mutual comforting, Peter Quill Whump, Peter's body isn't reacting well to losing Ego's light, Post-Movie: Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2, Protective Gamora (Marvel), Starmora Week 2018, Team as Family, Whump, too many feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-08
Updated: 2018-09-08
Packaged: 2019-07-08 09:56:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,779
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15928052
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sharkinterviewee/pseuds/sharkinterviewee
Summary: “You are always telling me that I am more than what I was made to do,” Gamora reminded him gently.“Yeah, but you weren’t madefor it,” Peter said, looking up at her with a sudden intensity she wasn’t ready for. The anguish in his eyes made her chest pang with a dull, resounding ache. “Your parents made you so you could be a kid, not a weapon. That’s what you were madefor. To be a person. You weren’t supposed to be used to kill people or the entire universe. That’s not why you exist, not like me.”(Or:Peter’s body isn’t reacting well to losing Ego’s lightis one of the author’s favorite tropes)





	The hourglass runs out of sand

She couldn’t understand why he didn’t tell anybody. Peter was one of the least self loathing of them all, so she didn’t get why it took him passing out and the Guardians finding all his strange injuries for him to tell them the truth. He’d been hiding for weeks the fact that his body hasn’t been reacting well to losing Ego’s light. That he’s been sick, and getting sicker. That the wounds he sustains in battle aren’t healing right.

Luckily they were on the Milano when he collapsed, not in the middle of a fight. That didn’t make it any less frightening for the guardians. Especially Gamora.

Peter just dropped on the floor in front of her, and when she realized it wasn’t a bizarre Terran joke, and that he didn’t just trip and fall, she was surprised to find him completely unconscious when she knelt down to check on him. Then, she felt how clammy his skin was, and she knew something was really, really wrong.

She tried to hide her panic as she called for everyone else (it didn’t really work if how fast everyone came running into the room was anything to go by).

But when they saw Gamora on the floor, cradling Peter’s head in her lap, as he laid there completely unconscious looking pale with a sheen of sweat on him- when they saw the panicked look in her eyes, she didn’t have to say anything for them to know something was seriously wrong.

“Check him for bites or stings,” Rocket ordered, quickly taking charge to bark out commands without any objection from the rest of them (which really said something about how bad the situation was that Drax didn’t even argue). Usually Gamora would be taking charge in these situations, as Peter’s unofficial co-captain, and she’d be the one barking out orders to keep them all alive in dangerous situations where Peter was suddenly out for the count. She was a quick thinker, and a good leader. She was always point when the team split up, and while there might be some occasional grumbling (mostly by Rocket, sometimes by Drax, who was usually arguing with Rocket about why he should be team leader) they all trusted her and her decisions to get them all out of there alive.

Usually, Gamora would automatically assume authority and start barking out orders in situations like these. But it only took one look at the wild, lost, and _frightened_ look in her eyes to make it clear that she wouldn’t be able to do that right now.

Rocket hoped it was something as simple as having a bad reaction to the insects on the last planet they were on. Even though that was days ago, and it shouldn’t have taken this long for symptoms to manifest if this was just a bad reaction to a bug bite as a humie.

It was when they got his shirt off that they saw all the bruises. Some of them looked like they just happened today, even though they hadn’t left the Milano in days, and some looked to be a week or even weeks old. That’s not to mention all the bandages he’d put on and had apparently been covering up, some of the pads of gauze soaked with his red Terran blood.

He had been fine yesterday. He _looked_ fine yesterday. They thought he was fine yesterday.

* * *

Usually Gamora would never permit it without his consent, but since he was still unconscious, and they had no idea what was going on and what happened to him, she pulled her hand and the damp washcloth off of Peter’s forehead so Mantis could try to get a read on him.

Drax was still cleaning and dressing his most grievous wounds, while Rocket was nervously hovering in the doorway of the captain’s quarters between trying to play with and distract Groot in the other room cause the kid shouldn’t have to see this.

Mantis closed her eyes as she touched Peter’s forehead, her antennas glowing in that way that made Gamora feel uncomfortable just being this close to them.

“He feels… guilty,” Mantis said, her brows furrowing at the troubling emotion.

“For what?” Rocket snapped from the doorway.

Mantis looked over at him. “I do not know. I am not a mind reader. I can’t tell the source, but he feels a tremendous amount of guilt.”

Gamora frowned, nudging Mantis’s hand aside with the wet washcloth so she could continue cooling Peter (she was still afraid of touching the empath- which she’d never admit, but Mantis would definitely know if she ever did touch Gamora).

* * *

After Peter woke up, it took 30 minutes to drag the full story out of him. That this was a reaction. That Peter’s body wasn’t reacting well to losing Ego’s light. That he has been getting weaker by the day, but _don’t worry guys, this won’t last forever, and I’m actually getting better, I used to have to change the gauze like three times a day, but now I’m not bleeding as much, so I only have to change it once a day, and I’ve had that bruise for three weeks, and look! It’s finally starting to heal! See, nothing to worry about!_

Then Gamora asked the team to leave, so she could speak to Peter alone.

* * *

She didn’t say anything for ten minutes, and Peter had no place to go other than resting right here in his bed, so they sat in silence for ten minutes.

“Why didn’t you tell us?” She finally spoke.

“Cause it’s not a big deal. I’ve been through worse. Like holding an infinity stone. This is nothing. Nothing I can’t handle on my own. It’s not a big deal. I can handle it myself.”

Gamora watched him carefully, studying him before speaking. “You don’t _have_ to handle it on your own. We are a team. You taught us that.”

“I _wanted_ to handle it on my own?” He tried with a purposely light and casual smile, like this was all funny or something, and it only served to piss her off.

“Peter,” she warned.

“I’m getting better! No need to worry, alright! I’m fine. I’m _going_ to be fine. Sorry for making you guys worry, okay?” She noticed that he didn’t apologize for not telling them, he apologized that they found him out. He was still wearing that capricious smile like this was all a game to him, and even though she knew Peter hid behind humor and laughter, this wasn’t something she could stand to see him make light of when he was still so pale, laying up in bed, covered in bruises and bandages. Even though he was wearing his jacket in his average temperature room, he was still shaking. And she noticed every single wince of pain that he’d been making and trying to hide.

“Why have you kept this a secret from all of us?” Gamora asked, her voice firm and a little harsher than she intended. “Why have you been hiding how much pain you’ve been in? Hiding all of this,” she motioned towards all of him. “You know this isn’t fine. It’s obviously not fine. Why didn’t you tell us after the light-” Peter visibly flinched at her words, and she back tracked. “Why have you kept this from us? You’ve been sick and hurt for weeks, been getting worse for weeks, and you’ve been hiding it from all of us. Why didn’t you just tell us? Why didn’t you tell us how bad it’s been?”

“It’s not that bad,” Peter maintained, clearly in denial. “I can handle it. And I can take care of myself, so-”

“Peter, you literally collapsed in the gangway. This is not fine.”

He remained silent at that, his jaw tensing, as he steadily avoided Gamora’s gaze. She thought about what Mantis said- how he felt guilty.

“Like I said,” he began again, slower this time. “I can-”

“Do you think you just deserve to suffer?” Gamora asked, a little sharp, but so be it. She’d had enough with Peter saying he was okay and trying to brush this off.

She could tell by the look on his that she hit the mark on that one. He swallowed, staring down at the bed in front of him. Didn’t say anything in response. Didn’t try to deny it either.

So that was it. He felt guilty. That’s why he hid the pain. He thought he deserved it as some sort of penitence for Ego or something.

“Peter, he _used_ you,” Gamora said, trying to make him understand- just get it through his head that this wasn’t his fault. It wasn’t his fault at all. None of it was. “He used you. Exploited you. It wasn’t- none of that is on you. He almost killed you. He tried to- to kill you and, and drain you of your life force and use that to destroy the universe. He tried to use you as a battery! How can you blame yourself for that? He _used_ you, Peter. He used you.”

“Yeah, well, maybe that’s just what I’m for,” he practically spat, voice filled with much more vitriol than she’d ever heard from him before. “To be used. For things like this. That’s just what I’m for. To be used.”

Gamora had never heard him sound so… bitter before. Clenching his fists at his side with such a wry expression- she wasn’t used to this. She didn’t know what to do.

“Peter…”

“No,” he stopped her before she could even try to begin what he already knew she was going to say. “That’s it. That’s why I exist. Whole reason I’m standing here is for that… purpose,” he spat the word out, could barely even say it. “It’s who I am. It’s all I ever was.”

“You are always telling me that I am more than what I was made to do,” Gamora reminded him gently.

“Yeah, but you weren’t made _for_ it,” he said, suddenly looking up at her. The anguish in his eyes made her chest hurt with a dull ache. “Your parents made you so you could be a kid, not a weapon. That’s what you were made _for._ To be a person. You weren’t supposed to be used to kill people or the entire universe, that’s not why you exist, not like me.”

“He killed my mom. The only reason he met her is because he was trying to make me, or others like me. Something like me. He went all over the universe trying to make something to use, trying to create a battery, and finally he met my mom and it worked. _I_ worked. He only sought her out so he could make something like me, and he killed her, all so he could finish what he made me to do. That’s what I am! That’s what I’m for!” Peter shouted, absolutely done with trying to keep it all together. It was pretty clear he wasn’t any good at that either. Trying to hold it all together wasn’t even worth it anymore. “That’s all I am! That’s all I’m supposed to be! To be a- a thing! That destroys the universe. Not even that! A fucking battery! That’s what I’m for, that’s all I’m for! That’s what I am! That’s what I was made for!”

“Well I am glad for that!” Gamora snapped, angrier than he’d ever seen her. Which was almost impressive, since Gamora’s default emotion was anger. “If that is why you are alive, then _good._ If that is the only reason you were born, then good. I do not want to live in a universe where you don’t exist. I don’t want to live in a universe where you _never_ existed. If needing a battery to destroy the universe is why you are here, then I’m glad for it. I’m _glad_ he needed to make something to destroy the universe if that’s why I have you,” she snarled. It was vicious in more ways than one. “If that’s what it took to make you happen, then fine. Ego’s was not the only whose choice mattered. _Your_ choices matter. Your mother’s choices mattered. Your mother’s choice to raise you and care for you with love came after what Ego chose to make you to do, but which do you think was more important? If that’s why you’re here, then good. If that’s the only reason why. I wouldn’t change a thing. If your mother could see you right now, you know she would say the same.”

She hadn’t meant to start ranting at him, but some of it needed to be said. Some of those things _she_ needed to say. She needed to say some of that for her own sake, even though her throat was now thick and her vision clouded with tears.

“Gamora,” Peter said softly, reaching towards her, a longing in his eyes. Every bit of bitterness and anger had fallen away from him, and now he was just the warm, soft Peter she knew again, and she couldn’t take him being like this if she didn’t want to cry.

Gamora shook her head, wrapping her arms around herself as the tears threatened to spill over.

“It’s alright,” she told him, or herself, he wasn’t really sure. She squeezed her eyes shut and hugged herself even tighter. “It’s alright. You are allowed to be upset, and feel conflicted. You can scream and cry and throw tantrums like the rest of us, and we should comfort you like you always do us. You have given all of us more than such allowances, Peter. You deserve the same. I just don’t think I’m doing a good job of it right now,” she said with a wet, self deprecating chuckle. “ You have a right to be upset. You _should_ be upset. It’s just… you almost died. And you didn’t even want to come. You didn’t even want to go with Ego. I _convinced_ you to. You didn’t even _want_ to. I convinced you to go, and then I left you, and you almost died. I had to talk you into going. Everything that happened- you didn’t even want to go to his planet. I was the one who convinced you to step foot on his ship. I had to convince you to go with him. I was the one who got you to go with him. You didn’t even want to go, Peter. Everything that happened, everything you learned, everything he told you- everything was fine just a few weeks ago. _You_ were fine. You were happy, and everything was alright. You had nothing to be upset over, you were happy, and healthy, and everyone was alive, and everything was good, then he showed up, and you didn’t even want to go with him, but I convinced you to. You almost died.”

It said a lot about how focused she was on not crying that she didn’t even notice Peter got up until he wrapped his arms around her, and she didn’t have the will to put up any resistance. She easily fell into his comforting embrace like it was right where she was meant to be.

Gamora breathed in as Peter held her, rubbing her back over and over in soothing, circular motions.

“All things fair, he seemed pretty motivated,” Peter said, letting himself relax in the feeling of having her close. “I mean, he would’ve gotten me there eventually with or without you. You saw how willing he was to kill the whole freakin’ universe. He would’ve gotten me there eventually even if he had to drag me, and you or anyone else wouldn’t be able to do a thing to stop him. And your heart was in the right place. I would’ve ended up there regardless of what you had or hadn’t done. I’m glad you were there with me.”

“See?” She laughed, broken and hoarse. “Look how much better you are than me. At this whole comforting thing. I’m already starting to feel better, when you’re supposed to be the one getting support right now. You’re always giving,” Gamora told him, burrowing into his chest, and he got the distinctive feeling that she was trying to use his jacket to wipe away her wet eyes.

“And I know your mother would not give up your love for anything,” she continued, murmuring the soft words into his chest. “I know after everything, if she had been given the chance to do it all over again, before her death, knowing what you know now, I know if she had been given the choice- to have never met Ego and lived out her life on earth without the turmoil or have eight years with you, I know what she would have chosen. I would have chosen eight years with you too.”

She could feel Peter trying to swallow the lump in his throat. She could hear how hard his heart was beating as she held onto him, could feel his lips trembling as they pressed into her hair, as they both nestled their head’s into the other’s warmth and safety, both near wrecks. Both completely wrecks.

He didn’t say anything after that. Just pulled her closer, held her tighter, as his head fell to rest on her shoulder and he curled into her. Peter swallowed again, hard.

She said earth, and it struck so hard. Gamora _always_ called it Terra. Everyone did. Peter was the only one who called it earth, and even he called it Terra half the time. Except now. Cause Gamora just said earth.

He didn’t know why it mattered, that she said earth in that moment, but it did. Peter’s lip quivered violently, and he bit down on it to try and stop, but it didn’t do any good.

It was maybe 30 seconds before she felt the first drop on her collarbone. One after the other, the tears streamed down his face and landed on her skin.

“Oh Peter,” she murmured, cradling his head, at that’s when he really started crying. Started sobbing into her shoulder, clinging to her as he cried.

She didn’t try to stop him. Didn’t try to shush him, didn’t tell him that it was okay, that everything was alright, because they both knew that would be a lie. She didn’t tell him that everything was okay now, or that everything was going to be okay, because those would be lies too.

Gamora didn’t try to placate him, or soften his tears. She knew he needed this. This release. It had all been so overwhelming.

She didn’t try to stop him from crying- just let him let it all out. Didn’t hush him, or say things like ‘there there’ in a comforting manner. She didn’t offer him any platitudes to soothe his soul that would just fall flat.

She couldn’t tell him that everything was okay now, that it was alright. But she did tell him one thing. The only thing she knew was true right now, the only thing she could promise him that wouldn’t be a lie.

There was one thing that she did tell him, as she cradled his head and stroked his hair, as Peter clung to her and sobbed so hard he could barely breath.

“I’ve got you,” she murmured, and held him as he cried.

* * *

“This isn’t something you can get over in a single day,” Gamora told him as she sat down on the edge of his bed. Even after he’d finished crying his heart out, it took awhile after before he’d truly calmed- before he could breathe normally again. The others gave them privacy though. It had surely been over an hour, possibly several since she had asked them to leave the room so she and Peter could talk. No one had knocked on his door or came to check on them since, though. Even though they were all worried, they left it to her to tell them when they were finished, or to shout through his door if something happened and she needed any help. Until then, they gave her and Peter privacy. And she was so grateful for that.

“This is something you should be upset over, and you have a right to feel conflicted. It makes sense. And we are all still… processing. I know this is not something for you to get over in a single night, those thoughts of yours, no matter how good of a speech I gave,” she said, trying to make a self-confident joke like he would to lighten the load of what she was saying. It just came out awkward, she was certain, but Peter didn’t seem to mind.

She chewed on her bottom lip, thinking, before she started again. “I know it will take time. And in the meantime, if you want to yell or cry or throw a temper tantrum in front of me about what happened, or conflicting emotions you have about yourself and your origins, that is fine. I won’t argue with you. I’ll just listen and respond with reassuring words. I’ll do better next time. I can do better than this- instead of shouting back at you. Instead of getting upset too. I know those thoughts of yours will return soon,” she told him, a little too familiar with how pervasive unwanted and unwelcome thoughts could be. “And you can get them out in front of me when they do, and it’ll be okay. When those thoughts resurface, and you start feeling conflicted again, you can come to me. And I’ll remind you, when you forget. Remind you that you are More. I’ll be better. I’m sorry, this was my first time trying to… help. I can do better than this. I can be better, for you. Next time. Promise,” she finally finished without looking him in the eyes, too ashamed of how she had reacted. Ashamed that when Peter was so vulnerable and emotional earlier that she shouted back at him. When he had been so deeply hurt. When he was always there for her, always there for all of them.

The only thing that helped console her was the memory of the look on his face after she told him how much he meant to her (shouted it at him, but still). Knowing how much he needed to hear all that was the only thing that made her feel a bit better right now.

He seemed worlds more at ease than he did just an hour ago, and he looked like he finally had some semblance of peace that he hadn’t had in a while. He was finally starting to look okay again.

He still had unrest scouring just beneath his surface, and a lot of healing to do, but she could tell. A little bit of his soul didn’t hurt as much anymore.

He still seemed lost. She imagined they all did. But she had given him an anchor tonight, could see it in his eyes with every look he took at her. A little bit of peace and belonging. A sense of home.

“You did good,” Peter said, his voice barely coming out. He wasn’t trying to whisper or anything, and he cleared his throat awkwardly so he could stop speaking so quiet and hoarse that he could barely hear himself. “I mean- thanks. For all of that. It really- thank you.”

* * *

“But you are never to do something like this again, got it? Hiding when you are.. hurt like this,” Gamora scolded him, feeling like he still deserved a mild talking to. “Hiding injuries, letting yourself get worse- don’t you dare ever do this to yourself again. I don’t care what you’re going through, if you ever do something like this again, I will make you suffer for it. Now you’re going to sit here and tell me everything that’s wrong and let me take care of you,” Gamora straight up demanded, pointing down at his bed, giving him her no nonsense look. He followed her instructions, easing himself down onto the side of his bed, trying not to groan, because just sitting down felt hard right now.

He cracked his neck before just shrugging. “I dunno. It’s like you said earlier. Things’ve been weird since… Ego. I was just kinda tired at first, and I thought it was the whole literally drained thing. Then it got worse. Like getting randomly dizzy and feeling like I’m about to fall over sometimes. And… well… you guys saw the bleeding stuff,” he said lamely. “Patching myself up ‘n stuff. I’ve had to use the torch from one of the spare med kits to close something up a lot more lately, things that normally would’ve healed on their own,” Peter absently picked at his fingernails to give himself a distraction from all the things he was admitting. It wasn’t really working. “The headaches have gotten better, though. Though they didn’t really hurt too much when they started anyway. Just distracting. The random dizzy spells and lightheadedness are the most problematic though when we’re in the middle of a battle, but I can still keep it together. And then the after battle stuff of like bleeding and not healing right, not healing how I used to. That pretty much sucks. That’s most of it. That’s the worst of it…” Peter trailed off. There was obviously more that he wasn’t saying- it was immediately clear that he was leaving the real, actual worst of it out. Because of course he couldn’t make this easy on her, and couldn’t go easy on himself either.

Gamora kneeled in front of him, interlacing her fingers with his and looking up into his wide eyes.

“Peter, you do _not_ deserve pain,” she said emphatically, giving his hands a reassuring squeeze. Making it clear that she knew there was more as she waited for him to tell her the rest.

Peter sighed and finally gave in. “Okay, everything kinda hurts sometimes? Like not just when I’m actually hurt and that hurting worse, which is true too, but it comes and goes where it just feels like everything hurts. Like my whole body. That gets pretty bad sometimes,” he said quietly. “Doesn’t hurt s’bad right now, just feeling sore and ache-y. Always do after an episode. Of it, like, actually fucking hurting. It’s not a whole lot of fun.”

Gamora didn’t know what to do with that. She wasn’t sure there was anything they could do. It’s not like it was something common- being a half celestial was unheard of anyway. And that was the scary thing. Not knowing how to help him. Not knowing if anyone did.

All she could do was hold his hand. So, for now, that’s what she did.

* * *

She insisted she was going to stay with him for the night, and he didn’t have the strength to argue with her. He didn’t really blame her either- she probably thought he was going to stop breathing in his sleep, after everything that happened today.

After she finally broke him down into talking to her, he just wanted to go to sleep for the next hundred years. He’d be satisfied with just having one good night’s sleep, but that seemed to be out of the question.

Peter wasn’t just exhausted. He was tired. He was so damn tired.

“I felt them,” he whispered, voice weak and already threatening to break. He hadn’t told anybody that. He hadn’t told them a lot of things. His hands were clasped between his knees as he stared at the floor, not really seeing anything there. Or really, he was seeing something there, he just wished that it wasn’t.

He wished he could stop seeing them.

He knew that was selfish. But he wished he could stop. He saw them every time he closed his eyes. He wanted to stop. He wanted to wake up from this.

But every night it was him losing sleep, and being afraid to close his eyes.

“Felt who, Peter?” Gamora asked gently, her hand going to his shoulder and moving in small, soothing circles.

He deflated a little at her touch, hanging his head further, and didn’t answer her question for the longest time. Peter closed his eyes and Gamora moved closer, warm and at his side, keeping up her reassuring touch as she silently rubbed his shoulder and gave him space to speak when he was ready.

She hated the gut wrenching look on his face. She just wanted to soothe his soul, to convince him he’d never have to look so pained or… sad ever again. She wanted to take his hurt away. She wanted to keep him safe.

Gamora was glad he seemed to gain at least a modicum of comfort from her touch, some of the tension leaving him that he’d been carrying for god knows how long. Actually, she knew exactly how long.

“I felt them _dying,”_ he finally said, and if she thought the look on his face was gut wrenching, then she didn’t know what to say about his voice. It was heartbreaking. “All of them. There were so many.”

She still didn’t know what he was talking about, but she knew exactly who to blame.

“The… other children?” Gamora asked carefully, guessing as to who the _they_ he was referring to was. She remembered all the skeletons in the cavern. She remembered what he looked like stabbed through with light.

If Peter had to live through… experience his siblings deaths, well, that seemed exactly like the type of mind game his father would play.

Peter shook his head in response, and she breathed out a little sigh of relief that he hadn’t experienced that particular torture she’d just imagined.

“When you guys were getting covered up by that stuff…” he started, searching for words. Gamora tried not to tense at the memory. Let’s just say that being swallowed by amorphous darkness wasn’t something she liked to relive. It was so dark, and cold. She thought she’d never see the light of day again. She thought she’d never see _him_ again.

“It wasn’t… it wasn’t just on his planet,” Peter tried to explain, his shoulders bunching up as his face crumbled in distress. “He had planted these things on so many planets all over the universe. And it just… it just started,” he swallowed thickly. “All at the same time. The black stuff just started… spreading. It was slower, back on his planet, with us. More deliberate. The other planets… it was like people were trying to outrun a volcano. But instead of smoke, it was just darkness, and it smothered them. There was so much running and screaming. So many planets, all at the same time, so many people. Just trying to get away from it. It spread so quickly, and I could hear them screaming, right up until they were covered and… I felt it. I felt them die. I could feel it covering them up, all those people, at the same time, and I could feel it killing every single one of them. I felt them die, Gamora. I felt them all die. I can still feel it.”

And for not the first time in his presence, she didn’t know what to say. Just listening to him describe it had the hair raising on the back of her neck, and she couldn’t even begin to imagine what that was actually like. No wonder he looked so haunted. No wonder he’d been… she didn’t blame him for hiding what’s been haunting him the past few weeks.

“That wasn’t you,” she told him gently.

“Sure felt like it was,” he laughed, but it wasn’t a happy sound. It sounded wet and jaded, and not at all like the Peter Quill she’d come to know.

She wished she could make him smile again, truly smile. And laugh like he was happy, not like he was hurting. But she didn’t know how. She didn’t know how to do that for him.

She wished she could make him smile again.

Gamora at least got to experience all the deaths she’d caused over a length of time. And even with all the people she’d killed, she was just causing death, not _feeling_ it.

She didn’t have to feel the deaths that happened at her hand, and certainly not at the same time.

She was used to havoc and mayhem in her life, chaos and violence and evil. Peter wasn’t. He shouldn’t have gone through this. Not one deserved that, least of all him.

“You don’t have to suffer alone,” she whispered. He looked up at that, for the first time since they’d started talking. He had tears streaming down his cheeks, and was surprised to hear her voice sounding just as wrecked and wet as his.

Gamora swiped at her watery eyes with her fists, her bottom lip curling and quivering outward. “I wish I could… I wish I could take that from you,” she said uselessly, angrily wiping her knuckles at her eyes again. “You are not… that shouldn’t have… that shouldn’t have happened to you. You should be happy and smiling and laughing and not going through horrible things like that. Bad things like that shouldn’t happen to you. They just _shouldn’t._ It’s wrong. You should be happy and feeling loved, not feeling that. You shouldn’t have had to go through that. You shouldn’t have had to feel that. I would take that from you if I could. I’m sorry I can’t. You don’t deserve that. You are good, and kind, and save people, and saved a whole universe from that megalomaniacal psychopath, and you shouldn’t have had to have any of his deaths weighing upon your mind. You shouldn’t, but you do. It shouldn’t have happened, but it did. And you do not have to suffer alone. We are good at that. You… you showed us how to be happy, and be friends, and have family, and how to laugh again. But we still have a lot of experience with suffering, and we… we know a thing or two about dealing with it. We are used to it and familiar with it. We can help, or at least try. You don’t have to suffer alone. You shouldn’t have all this weight bearing on you, but maybe we can… lighten the load. Or at least carry it with you. You don’t have to do it alone, Peter.”

And he was too tired to argue with that point, so he had no choice but to accept it. He let out a shaky, shuddering breath as his eyes slipped shut. He moved closer, leaning forward, weakly nodding into the crook of her neck.

And when he breathed in again, for the first time in awhile, his chest didn’t ache. It still felt heavy as hell, but it didn’t hurt with every inhale.

Gamora wrapped her arms around his shoulders and cradled his head against her, and all he could do was nod.

But he thought maybe he could finally breathe again.

* * *

She’d told him to lay down, to get rest if he could, promising that she would stay up and keep watch. Though it wasn’t like he was in that much danger in his bedroom. He was pretty sure it was only half for him, anyway.

Gamora had changed into her pajamas and brought her book back into his room, taking a seat in the corner of his room and setting up shop there.

It had been two hours since she told him to go to sleep and started reading.

Peter was still awake. He’d probably be tossing and turning if that didn’t hurt so much. Instead he was just staring up at the ceiling and shifting uncomfortably.

“Do you… need anything?” Gamora asked carefully, closing her book and leaving it behind on the chair. She walked over to him and after a moment’s hesitation took a seat on the edge of her bed.

She automatically reached out to brush his curls that were even messier after all his head movements in unrest, but she stopped herself at the last second. Her hand paused mid air when she realized that maybe touching him wasn’t such a good idea. She had always taken it for granted- Peter’s easy touch. Maybe he didn’t want to be touched right now- if his unsettled movements were because he was thinking of all the awfulness that had happened, maybe the contact would be too much for him.

She didn’t think she could bear it if Peter flinched away from her touch.

She didn’t want to hurt him. He said that his whole body hurt from the effects of an episode. She was scared that just her hand might cause him pain.

And her chest felt like it was seizing because all she wanted was to reach out and touch him. She just wanted to feel him.

After an internal deliberation that lasted seconds at most, Gamora trailed her fingertips at his temple.

Peter’s eyes fluttered shut, sighing as she strayed downward, caressing his cheek, drawing soothing circles with her thumb that just barely grazed his skin.

“No,” he answered, opening his eyes again to look up at the concern pouring out of hers. The warmth too. He liked how warm her eyes were. “This isn’t too different than most nights. Trouble sleepin’ lately. Sometimes better, sometimes worse,” he shrugged.

“Do you want me to ask Mantis if she can help you sleep?” Gamora asked, realizing only too late that she never should have asked that question. That was what Mantis used to do for… that was such a stupid thing to say.

It was only after the words were out of her mouth that she realized though. After she she saw the alarm- the absolute panic that filtered through his eyes at the thought.

Peter’s chest tightened, breath quickening, and his whole body tense at her suggestion before she could even take it back.

The only thing that scared him more than the nightmares was the idea of being trapped in one and not being able to wake up.

“No,” he said weakly and started to sit up, feeling like he was choking. “No.”

“Okay, okay,” Gamora promised, laying a gentle hand on his cheek as the other moved to support him, trying to calm him down and ease him back down, since he really shouldn’t be trying to sit up by himself right now. She gave him a soft, reassuring smile that only slightly quivered. “Okay, I won’t. Don’t worry, Peter. I’m here. I’m staying here with you. I won’t let anything get to you, okay? You don’t have to do anything. No one’s gonna make you go to sleep. It’s okay. I’m here. I’ll keep you safe. I won’t let anything get to you. I’m staying right here, Peter. I’m staying with you.”

It took several cycles of breathing before he seemed to calm. She kept brushing his hair and stroking his cheek the whole time.

* * *

The next hour found her laying down next to him.

She was exhausted, after the days events. Peter could tell. She had been sitting on his bed and brushing his hair and starting to nod off before her head would jerk up again as she tried to stay awake. It seemed like everything that happened today took a lot out of her.

Even if he wasn’t going to get any sleep, at least one of them should be well rested.

He probably should have told her to go back to her room and sleep in her own bed. But he didn’t want her to leave.

Goes to show just how tired she was that she accepted his invitation to lie down.

And, with Gamora lying next to him, his heavy lids that he’d been struggling to keep open seemed to finally flutter shut.

After his eyelids had been closed for a few minutes, she whispered, “Peter?”

“Hmm?” He mumbled, eyes still shut. She knew she should let him sleep, but she wanted to do something important. She had to check and see if he was awake though.

She wanted to make sure he was awake.

Without a word, she leaned forward and pressed her lips to his forehead in a soft and simple kiss.

He didn’t say anything, didn’t open his eyes either. But she saw his lips ghosted into a smile, and she had a feeling things were going to be okay.

Maybe not anytime soon, but they’d get there. Eventually. They were going to be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> And here we are, closing out starmora week 2018 with day 7: free day.  
> As you can probably tell, I have been working on this for awhile, so hell yeah I put this heartbreaking mess as my conclusion for Starmora week. So everyone can suffer with me. As if we didn't have enough suffering in this fandom.
> 
> If you wanna be one of those people that put their favorite parts in comments, just know that that means a lot. I've got so many emotions tied up in this fic, and just with starmora in general. ♥


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